How to Reconnect With Yourself in Your 40s: My Real Life Journey of Finding My True Self

Feeling lost after 40? Do you want to start healing, shift your identity, and finally start feeling like you again - no more people-pleasing, just reconnecting. Explore with me, my real life journey of finding my true self.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserves your love and affection.” – Budda

Why I Felt Disconnected

Reflecting back on my life, I have always felt a disconnect with myself, it was just not at the forefront of my mind. I was clouded under expectations, people pleasing and putting others first. To move forward, I needed to understand why I felt disconnected.

Fast forward to a conversation with a friend a little over 2 weeks ago where she asked me this simple question: “Why do you want to create a community?”

My response:

“I never had it when I was young. I never had a female influence around me. I never had a support circle, a safe space with no judgement, a space to express myself."

But at that moment, it hit me.

"I want to help the women who want to prioritise themselves but never had the space…the way I didn’t.

I want to help women who never felt like they had supportive positive influences in their life…the way I didn’t.

I want women to feel safe and explore their creativity….the way I didn’t.

I want women to feel safe to express themselves…that way I couldn’t.

I want to share encouraging words to the women I help...because I never had them."

This made me pause and even my friend was “woah….you just made me tear up.”

This is what made me realise how disconnected I felt from my true self and sparked this journey to reconnect. If this has resonated with you, you are not alone, let's explore the signs of losing touch with your true self and start healing together. 

The Signs You’ve Lost Touch With Your True Self

Our exploration starts from understanding the signs, for me it began with the following:

1. I constantly put others before myself

When invited to go places or do things, I would always prioritise their needs and wants over what I wanted to do and still said yes. Upon reflection, this is something I saw myself doing all the time. I could feel it in my body and I still ignored it! It cost me my time, my energy and my peace. Does this sound familiar?

2. I feel like I’ve never really known who I are

My whole life the decisions and choices I have made have been driven from a place of expectations from family, friends and society and not based on what I actually wanted to do and believe. This recurring theme has created an identity that never truly felt like me. Is your identity the real you?

3. I struggle to say no — even when I want to

For most of my life I said yes, one would think it was my favourite word but it stemmed from childhood trauma where there was a fear of backlash, guilt and not wanting to upset others. Speaking up for myself was non-existent, I didn't have a safe space to express myself so I would avoid confrontation and say yes. Are you always saying yes?

4. You crave validation and approval from others

I have always been the “good girl”, “the reliable one”, “the easygoing one” and this came from a place of wanting to simply be accepted and seeking easy validation. But I have never taken a moment to truly think about what was the underlying reason for wanting that acceptance and that easy validation. Are you “good girl”, “the reliable one”, “the easygoing one” ? Explore further with me… 

5. I silence my voice out of fear of being judged

Do you avoid speaking up for yourself for fear of being judged or to keep peace? This has been a big one for me and one that also stems from my culture. As an Indian woman, I have been told from a young age that I shouldn’t speak up to elders and always show them respect because they are older than me. They could say what they wanted even if it hurt me or was wrong but I was not allowed to speak back or stand up for myself otherwise I would be told that I am being rude and have no respect. So, I just always kept peace and let it go time and time again. 

As an Indian woman, my culture taught me from a very early age to show our elders respect by not speaking back. This often looked like:

• not questioning or correcting elders, even when they are wrong. 

• Avoiding confrontation to “keep peace”

• Showing assertiveness as a girl would be considered rebellious or disrespectful.

If I did this, I was told things like “don’t talk back” or “they are older, they know better”. 

But what I am beginning to learn and understand is this is wrong and not true. You can honour elders without you abandoning yourself and respect doesn’t mean silence. 

What was your reason for silencing your voice? What did you grow up being told?

Follow my journey as we walk into being the women we are meant to be, join my free community, Undoing. I have created this space to share deeper reflections and a’ha moments as we reconnect with our true selves. 

6. You feel like you’re performing a version of yourself

Time and time again I was taught to always think about what others will think or say about what I do or say. I heard this constantly growing up and so it was always the first thing I would think about. Over time, I do feel that while I was “performing”, I was definitely filtering my thoughts which I can see led me to not knowing who I truly am anymore. Do you feel like you are filtering yourself in any way?

7. You abandon your own needs and desires

I can definitely see how I have suppressed my needs for others over and over throughout my life. I don’t even remember the last time I asked myself “what do I want?”, “is this really what I want to do?”. These are questions I am focusing on more now because I no longer want to self-abandon. I want to see and embody what my true identity is, not what has been shaped by family, friends, culture and society. 

8. You fear being seen for who you really are

You’ve been conditioned to believe it’s safer to blend in than to stand out. You have a deep fear of being judged, criticised, or not being “enough.”

I have always held parts of me back because I have never truly felt like I could share my deepest thoughts and feelings. I will always have this filter that I have and limit the amount of truth I will share. I would always think, “what will they say?”, “how will they perceive what I say if I share it?”

Do you allow yourself to be fully seen?

9. Negative self-talk has become your default

You constantly doubt yourself, your choices, and your worth at every step. Looking through my old journals, I have really seen the multiple times that I kept talking negative to myself even where it starts off positive e.g. I would praise myself for keeping up with my meditation but in the same sentence then negate this with the lack of consistency and how I need to fix it. I can see now how the negative thoughts have been stronger even when I have been positive.  This has been a massive realisation for me and something I am definitely working on to stop. I am learning to be a lot kinder to myself. If this resonates, I encourage you to be kinder to yourself too.

10. You’ve never felt truly safe to just be you

There’s a persistent feeling of needing to earn love, space, or respect. Authenticity feels risky because you’ve been judged before — for how you dress, speak, or show up. This thought has been compounded over my life because I have continued to see evidence of this happening and so the belief became stronger over the years. 

How I Started Reconnecting With Myself (Even Though I Had No Idea Who I Was)

Here are a few things that I have started to do to reconnect with myself:

Create space - I created space for myself to sit with the things that were coming up for me and the things that I was feeling. 

Be patient - I didn’t try to rush the process of understanding myself, I am being patient that it will come to me in time. This has been hard as since I have this realisation, I have had this strong feeling to just let it go and not allow it to have any control over me. However, there are so many old patterns, beliefs and habits to unpack and understand so I can release them that I have to remind myself that it will take time and give myself some grace.  

Set boundaries - I have started setting boundaries making sure that I am protecting my time and giving it the respect it deserves. I just had a recent experience where I was presented with a scenario where I had to make the choice to stick to what I planned or adjust my plan to accommodate the request from a friend. I am pleased that in this case, I absolutely protected my boundaries and kept that promise to myself. 

Saying “no” - this is something I am starting small with but just taking the time to ask myself “do I really want to do this?”. 

Journaling - I decided to just take time every day to note what thoughts are coming up and take the time to reflect. This has really helped me see patterns and deepen my understanding. 

Established identity - this is when I started shifting my identity from who I thought I had to be to who I really am. I have taken the time to start getting clear on the identity and the person I want to be. I am doing this by thinking more about who the best version of me is. What does she do, how does she behave, what is happening in her life. I am trying to be as detailed as possible with this and it is something that I continue to refine. I want to look at this and see what I can do today to embody her. 

Whether you’re 40, 45, or 50 — it’s never too late to remember who you are, to start healing and reconnecting with your true self.